|Our Family Photo - Christmas 2010|
So, I had this idea in my head, that her 1st birthday would be the most difficult thing that I would have to make it through. I was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. These last 6 weeks have been some of the most difficult since I lost her. This time last year is when she was with me. This is the time of year that I spent with her snuggled in my arms. It was 9 months ago yesterday that I lost her, and a good portion of those 9 months it has felt like she was almost a dream. Like she was here, and a split second later she was gone, and it hardly feels real. And since she was only with me 4 months and 21 days, I have been without her almost twice as long as I had her.
Now, the seasons are changing, the weather is getting cooler, the sights and sounds of Christmas are here, and the memories are hitting fast and furious. I love to remember her, I love to think about her, but at the same time it hurts. It hurts to remember snuggling with her by the fire, as I sit alone this year. Every single thing that I think about leads me back to her. I can’t get her off my mind, though I am not sure that I want to, either. Last year I was on maternity leave, but was scheduled to be back at work on Dec. 13. I wanted to enjoy Christmas as long as I could, so I decorated my house on November 1. I loved it, and decided it should become my new tradition. Last weekend I did all the decorating. It broke my heart when I opened a box of Christmas decorations and pulled out our stockings. In all my life, I’ve never put names on our stockings, but last year I did. So, now they hang…all four in a row…Reese, Mom, Dad, and Josh. As soon as I hung them up, Josh rubbed his face on hers. I heard him whispering “I love you Reesey,” and I just cried. I can not believe that this year our baby girl won’t be with us for Christmas. This is my favorite time of the year. I love everything about it. And now it is overshadowed with sadness. I guess, though, that I am happy that I got to spend last Christmas season with her; I am glad she got to experience it. Even though she didn’t have a clue what was going on…or maybe she did. Maybe she knew more about her purpose that I ever will. And the joy of the Christmas season helps to make the sadness not quite so overwhelming. At least that is what I keep telling myself.
Yesterday, I made the decision to be thankful for the last holiday season that I spent with her, instead of focusing on what I lost. Easier said than done, but I am trying!
|November 2010 - My favorite Christmas outfit!|
|The babies by our tree!|
|12/12/10 - 4 Generations - Ningy, Mommy, Reese and Grandma-Great|
|Smooching by the tree|
|The bests gifts I could ever receive!|
|Me and Reese...Christmas Eve before Mass|
|Reese and Daddy|
|Ningy and Reese|
|Christmas Morning...in matching PJs :)|