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| Our Family Photo - Christmas 2010 |
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| My loves! |
So, I had this idea in my head, that her 1st birthday would be the most difficult thing that I would have to make it through. I was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. These last 6 weeks have been some of the most difficult since I lost her. This time last year is when she was with me. This is the time of year that I spent with her snuggled in my arms. It was 9 months ago yesterday that I lost her, and a good portion of those 9 months it has felt like she was almost a dream. Like she was here, and a split second later she was gone, and it hardly feels real. And since she was only with me 4 months and 21 days, I have been without her almost twice as long as I had her.
Now, the seasons are changing, the weather is getting cooler, the sights and sounds of Christmas are here, and the memories are hitting fast and furious. I love to remember her, I love to think about her, but at the same time it hurts. It hurts to remember snuggling with her by the fire, as I sit alone this year. Every single thing that I think about leads me back to her. I can’t get her off my mind, though I am not sure that I want to, either. Last year I was on maternity leave, but was scheduled to be back at work on Dec. 13. I wanted to enjoy Christmas as long as I could, so I decorated my house on November 1. I loved it, and decided it should become my new tradition. Last weekend I did all the decorating. It broke my heart when I opened a box of Christmas decorations and pulled out our stockings. In all my life, I’ve never put names on our stockings, but last year I did. So, now they hang…all four in a row…Reese, Mom, Dad, and Josh. As soon as I hung them up, Josh rubbed his face on hers. I heard him whispering “I love you Reesey,” and I just cried. I can not believe that this year our baby girl won’t be with us for Christmas. This is my favorite time of the year. I love everything about it. And now it is overshadowed with sadness. I guess, though, that I am happy that I got to spend last Christmas season with her; I am glad she got to experience it. Even though she didn’t have a clue what was going on…or maybe she did. Maybe she knew more about her purpose that I ever will. And the joy of the Christmas season helps to make the sadness not quite so overwhelming. At least that is what I keep telling myself.
Yesterday, I made the decision to be thankful for the last holiday season that I spent with her, instead of focusing on what I lost. Easier said than done, but I am trying!
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| November 2010 - My favorite Christmas outfit! |
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| Thanksgiving 2010 |
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| Sleeping Beauty |
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| December 2010 |
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| The babies by our tree! |
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| 12/12/10 - 4 Generations - Ningy, Mommy, Reese and Grandma-Great |
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| Smooching by the tree |
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| The bests gifts I could ever receive! |
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| Me and Reese...Christmas Eve before Mass |
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| Reese and Daddy |
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| Ningy and Reese |
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| Christmas Morning...in matching PJs :) |
So much love, Shannon. You continue to inspire and amaze me. You are so beautiful and your little angel is surely smiling down on you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you got a family photo!! I still can't believe she's gone...
ReplyDeleteI am sitting here, in tears, as I read this...in part because I have a lot going on personally, but mostly because I hurt for you...I can't imagine having to go through this...the loss of a child is my greatest fear and I dont know how you make it through day after day, but I commend and respect you SOOO much for the fact that you do, and for the strength you have to share your stories with the public...I don't remember how I even got introduced to this blog, but I am glad I did...RIP angelbaby Reese, and she will be right there with you through this and every holiday season... Happy Holidays to you and your beautiful family...
ReplyDeleteSo glad that you took so many pictures of her at Christmas last year. She is darling. Thinking of you as this season comes around!
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